My school counsellor said that 2013 is the year for all 15 years old students to make plans for the future, and I had made them. Some have accomplished, but some are just starting. However, this year, she said to us 16 years old students to take this year to do self-discovery. I have managed to complete this task and made improvements for myself.
Self-discovery is usually planned out after suffering confusion, and it may take quite a long period of time to finish the journey. For me, it came unexpectally and short. My self-discovery started with a spark of love and understanding relationships. I yearn for love and romance since I came from a broken home. But finding the right guy takes longer than I expected. I realize that you will eventually find the right person of your choice if you understand yourself better. As I had written in my last journal "Finding Love, Discovering Myself", I have 10 crushes, fictional or real, I group them together. I need to suffer many heartbreaks to finally understand the man of my choice. This journal is more detailed than the last one, and it talks the changes of me in many aspects.
This year it started better than last year. I was sent to the best class and nobody bullies me anymore. But then I suffered depression in March due to severe emotional problems and relationship issues. I used to be quiet when I was in primary school, but as a result I was constantly been bullied. To protect myself, I used anger to defend myself. Because of this, I became very hot-tempered and it is very difficult to control my temper. In mid-February, I kept getting angry for no reason, and this broke my friendship with a friend who used to sit next to me before our classroom was relocated. I had to admit, the unstable emotion was caused by my love-hate relationship with Jack Frost, and something about the shipping of Jack Frost and Elsa.
My unstable emotion caused everyone became scared of me and stayed away from me. Even giving teachers and family members terrible headaches. I refused to say the truth that led me to depression because nobody could fully understand my complicated problem, not even my family (they don't understand my relationship issues). I did talked about it to my friends but they couldn't help me too. I never wanted to talk about the shipping because I didn't want to hurt anyone who are supporters. I kept the problem to my heart and suffer depression. My studies are affected, my connection with people fell apart, and negative stuffs took over my mind. Pitch had me taken away from the Guardians, and turned me into a human nightmare that corrupts me and always tried to lead me to self-destruction. I used to have thoughts of commiting suicide, but my strong religious beliefs and fears stop me. Pitch must had been so mad because he wants the Guardians to suffer by feeling useless for unable to save the dying me who believe in them again since 14.
I cried for 2 months, despite I stopped this in May, but I still suffer depression. People didn't want to get along with me because they always saw me angry, but I was actually serious. EQ is more important than IQ, and that was a problem for an emotionally unstable person like myself. I hated all the boys and the couples in my school. I didn't love myself. I thought that no boys would ever like me because of my seemingly nerdy appearance and highly discipline personality. Well, the ROTG quizes of 'Which guardian are you?' state that Bunnymund likes me. I was like 'What?', and wonder why not Jack Frost. I swore to never loved again because it hurt me too much.
Suddenly, a good twist of fate came to me at the end of July, which was my birthday month. I have turned 16, and that month I wore my ruby necklace to protect myself. A sudden thought of checking out the news on Slugterra Facebook page led me to meet Junjie, and changes me forever. A week later my best friend and I realized that I have developed a huge crush on him. It was indeed love at first sight and it leads to curiousity. I wondered why I am so crazy on him, but not others. Then, compared the Shane Gang with the Guardians, I realized many similarities. Eli is Jack Frost; Kord is North; Trixie is Tooth; Pronto is Sandy; and Junjie is Bunnymund. I found out the fangirls of Jack Frost like his mischievous and rebellious yet caring and nice personality. This characteristic is shared by boys who have many fangirls, example: Eli, Wilbur Robinson, Randy Cunningham, and more.
Putting the pieces together led me to realize: I NEVER loved Jack Frost. It was the peer pressure from his fangirls caused me to accept him and break my own heart. Shame on me. He is NOT my type, and why should I follow others to accept him? When I said this everyone weirds out. This is me, and I stand on my ground. I make my own decisions in my life! So now I said: Almost every girl in the world goes crazy on Jack Frost, but I go crazy on a completely different person.
After Junjie entered my life, I went to discover myself deeper, and changed myself. I can control my temper now, and I can smile again. I can get along with people now and they like to get along with me. I reconceiled my friendship with the friend that I have mentioned above. I no longer have hatred on people and I am more positive now. To my surprise, it seems all of my friends approve of Junjie and think we should be together. Awkward yet adorable...
I am now a better person and I am extremely grateful of Junjie being my motivation (and such a wonderful lover~
) If it wasn't for him, I would never be here. Thank you for being with me in these few months, I wouldn't have gone that far without you. :'') And I love you. Wait, what?! //slapped (I really need to get used to this feeling)